Almost to the Good Part!

Pregnancy: Week 11

 

        I know, I know, I’m a bad blogger for taking so long to update. I’m sorry. Those of you that have been pregnant will understand (and hopefully the rest of you as well) when I say; I’ve been too queasy and exhausted to do much of anything lately. I’m nearing the 12 week mark, so with any luck, I’ll start feeling better soon.

        Let’s get the usual pregnancy questions out of the way. . . Yes, I’m queasy ALL the time. No, I’m not throwing up (thanking God for that). The main source of my constant state of pukey is acid reflux. I normally take an acid reflux med that stops my stomach from producing too much acid, but it’s not safe for the 1^st trimester. Instead, I’ve been taking Zantac and it’s made a huge difference. There were a few weeks where I was in agony. Now, I’m just constantly queasy and have a stomach ache. Eating is hard. Everything sounds gross and hurts my stomach, so when something sounds good, we buy it in mass quantity! It doesn’t help matters that my new super power is having a dog’s sense of smell. I smell everything . . . everything . . . from a mile away. Very few things smell good, but not very many things make me too sick. It’s just a general dislike of most foods and smells because I am so queasy at all times. Add to that a lovely case of indigestion causing me to burp constantly and of course the usual pregnancy constipation. Organic apple juice seems to help with the constipation, but nothing changes the indigestion. I also can’t take my allergy pills so I have a constant runny nose, sinus pain, and a sore throat (that is partly from the reflux).

        I also have to deal with something most pregnant women don’t; shots. When a woman becomes pregnant naturally, she drops an egg and develops a sack on her ovary where the egg came from. This sack is responsible for the all the production of her progesterone. After 12 weeks, the placenta is formed and takes over producing progesterone. Since I didn’t drop an egg, I have to continue supplementing my progesterone until 12 weeks. The needle is 1.5 inches, the med is mixed with oil so it’s very thick and hard to absorb. I am covered in bruises, knots, and Charlie horses on my legs and butt. Have you ever run a race or done some very physical activity where right when you reached the end you fell apart? “I can’t do this anymore! I’m not gonna make it!”, as tears stream down your face? I am to that point. I haven’t cried, but if my doctor told me I had to do an extra week, I’d be able to water the garden with my tears. And the catalyst that makes all of this soooo much more FUN is the HEAT!! Yes, that is just what every person that is sick to their stomach, in unrelenting pain, exhausted and generally uncomfortable wants . . .TO BE HOT!!!

        Normally, I love the summer. Not this year. This year I hate the summer. I dream of fall. In the fall it will be cool. In the fall my allergies won’t bother me. In the fall I’ll have a little belly and I’ll feel like a cute pregnant lady not bloated. In the fall I won’t have to do shots. In the fall I won’t feel like puking all the time!!! In the fall I’ll sleep better because I won’t be sweating and fighting with the fan. The fall is my friend.

        I kn0w it sounds bad, but really, I’m very lucky. I’ve known plenty of women that have been VERY sick during their pregnancies. I may have a high risk pregnancy, but I’m healthy and so is baby, and you can’t beat that! I am blessed! I’ll take the sleepless nights because of my stomach aching. I’ll take all the discomfort and shots and other crap. I’ll take it for this beautiful miracle inside of me. God has blessed me and He will see me through this. I am lucky to have people in my life that here for me, loving me, on this journey. My husband, children, and best friend have all risen to the occasion and are my survival. Anything I need or want; my husband gets, day or night. Anytime I need help, no matter what type, my children run to my call. They never complain or seem bothered. And my best friend’s emotional support is like sitting in my favorite chair; she knows just how to ease my stresses and bring me to a peaceful place. I’m even more blessed to have other friends and a surrogate Mom (mine isn’t in the picture) that would be here for me at a moment’s notice.

        The only great thing about being a high risk pregnancy, is that I get to have ultrasounds every 2 weeks. That is amazing! Most women get 3 per pregnancy. I get to see my baby growing. I’ve seen its heart beating, spine, brain, eye sockets and tiny arms and legs. Because I get to have so many ultrasounds, I get to bring my loved ones with me to share in the excitement. I could not be luckier!

        So, although I’ve got my share of pregnancy obstacles, I’ve got a support system that won’t quit, and a God that is mightier than any hurdle I’ll face. Praise the Lord!

I am not alone!!

Pregnancy: Week 5, entry 1

 

       Technically I am around 4-5 weeks pregnant, but for the sake of the blog, it’s week 5, entry 1.

       Before I get into all the latest news, I wanted to clear something up about last week’s blog. I mentioned last week that my son-from-another-mother stayed with me and helped care for me after the last procedure. I meant my good friend Charity’s son whom I love like my own. As many of you know, I have two children that I have adopted. I would never ever refer to them as children-from-another-mother. They are my children, I am their mother, and I would never distinguish between a child I birthed or did not. Any child I am mother to is my child no matter how God brings them to me!

       Moving on to more exciting things!! I am pregnant!

I continue my progesterone shots for the first three months of pregnancy, and continue my patches for a few weeks. The progesterone shots are a real nuisance but very necessary. Since I didn’t drop an egg like a regular pregnancy would, my body won’t produce progesterone on its own until my placenta is thick enough to take over. The shots themselves suck!!! The needle is the biggest there is; one and a half inches, the oil is knotting up my butt, and at least once or twice per week Eric can’t give me my shot so it’s a scramble to find a replacement. Luckily, a gal I know just became a nurse, and kindly offered to fill in anytime I needed her. Every need I have, God provides! I was double lucky because her mother is a seasoned nurse and suggested I ask my doctor if I could do some of the shots in my thighs to give my butt a rest. To be honest with you, I didn’t know how I was going to survive three more months of these shots in my butt. I don’t have very much room back there and I’m finding it quite painful. So, I took her advice, and asked my doctor’s office about the shots in my thighs. She said yes! I was so relieved. Eric and I have done the last two shots in either thigh and it is awesome. One went off without a hitch, but I wanted to learn on the second one, and that was no good. This morning my thigh is pretty sore, but still way better than my hinny.

       My plan all along with this blog was to transition into pregnancy and eventually motherhood. So, from now on, my pictures and weekly inserts will be all about my ever growing belly and baby. This has already been quite a journey, and it has only just begun!

The Final Count Down

IVF: Week 5

 

      The final days are here. Luckily, this past week has been very busy and has kept me occupied. The kids had their last day of school yesterday, my daughter graduated from the 6^th grade (whatever that means), we had our end of the year party at Wednesday night church with our class, I’ve been baking, cleaning, and groaning about my ever hurting pooper. My mind has been busy, which is a great blessing from the Lord. I haven’t had much time to think about what is to come tomorrow.

      The best, and worst, distraction of them all has been the daily shots in my butt. The oil is knotting up my rear and causing me significant pain and discomfort. I massage it, I heat it, I walk up and down and up and down the stairs to work it in, I moan, I groan, I do everything but throw myself on the floor and kick my feet. It started getting bad around Sunday. None of my shots have really hurt other than the prick of the needle and occasional burning, but now this shot is hurting during the injection as well. The worst of it was Wednesday night. It caused my cheek to develop a huge, painful, lump, that now prevents me from having any more shots on that side of my butt. So now, the other side of my butt is taking all of the all the shots and lumps and pain.

      Tomorrow we find out if it was all worth it. The beauty of tomorrow is that I will either be pregnant and continue my shots, or I won’t be, and I get to live a normal life again. Either way, it is in the hands of the Lord, and I trust in Him. This has been a daunting process and I am eager for it to end. I am tired of the pain, the toll this has taken on my body, the lack of exercise, difficulty sleeping, the bloating, and mostly the emotional toll. In the end, whether or not I receive a child from this process, I’m glad I went through it. I’ve learned much about my life, my friends, and the path I want to take in the future.

      Tomorrow is the big day. The finish line will be crossed, or a new marathon will begin. . .

The Procedures . . .DUN DUN DUN!!!

IVF: Week 4

 

       This has been to week to end all weeks. The day after my last post I had my follicular aspiration (eggs harvested). It is a minor surgery but very short.

       First thing they laid me on the table and hooked up my IV. The first drug they gave me was an antibiotic. Then they gave me something that made me a bit drunky. I have a very weak system and don’t respond well to narcotics, so the rest of the meds were a big scary monster to me. I made sure to ask for the anti-nausea med before they gave me the hard stuff instead of after like they usually do. Lastly, came the Demerol and the gas. I faintly remember the nurse telling me to take big breaths through my mouth and then groaning from the pain of the 10 inch needle piercing my cervix. She gave me more Demerol, and the rest is history.

       Once we got me up and in the car, I knew something was wrong. The car ride home was unbearable. Everything hurt, but I had a sharp pain radiating up my right side. If you are unfamiliar with the procedure, they take a 10 inch needle and put it through the cervix up into an ovary and extract the eggs, then do it to the other side. Fun!!

       After we got home, I lay down on the couch and wanted desperately to sleep but that was not an option. The pain was getting worse. Around 5 hours later my husband had to go back to the doctor’s office to deposit his half of the procedure. After I insisted to him that the pain on my right side was NOT normal, he called the doctor and we were advised that I come with him to the office.

       The doctor did 2 ultrasounds (one from the outside and one from the inside . . . they both hurt) and poking and prodding on my belly. He found that my right ovary had been bleeding. My belly had around100- 200 ccs of blood in it, but luckily, he suspected it had stopped bleeding. He said if it continued that I would need surgery that evening to suck out all the blood. He gave us instructions on how to determine if the bleeding was stopping or continuing and sent us home.

       The following days were very painful. Actually, it’s still painful now and it’s been 9 days. My belly was swollen, my ovaries were swollen, and all my internal organs were absorbing the blood which means they were bruising. Going pee was excruciating. I couldn’t sit up straight; I discovered I couldn’t eat because I was able to digest smoothly due to all the blood absorbing into my intestines. This is something I had been through before with my ovarian cysts, but now I had even more pains and aches. My greatest concern was whether or not it would affect the transfer of the fertilized embryos.

       Thursday came and I still wasn’t close to healed. The embryos HAD to be transferred 5 days after the eggs were extracted, so healed or not, they were going in! This procedure was much different. The embryos had been in a nice warm incubator so the room had to be tropical-hot as to not shock them but keep them nice and happy. I lay on the table in the dark, hot, quiet room. There was only one light on and it was shining brightly into the one place you never want a spot light. They had to insert and catheter through my cervix and into my uterus. The embryos had to be placed in very specific spot so they did a test run to make sure they had the perfect angle and depth. Normally, this would not be painful and would just be uncomfortable, but because of all the swelling and bruising, there were moments of pain as well as discomfort. One of my friends had said something to me earlier that day that really stuck with me  . . .she said that most people don’t get to know the exact moment that God blesses them with a child. I was so blessed by this recognition of truth. During the procedure I began to pray, but then my prayer changed to praise. I praised God for everything He is. I would usually praise Him for all the blessings He was giving me at that moment, but instead I just praise Him for who He is. It was AWSOME! I felt to humbled and blessed to lay at His feet and worship. Afterward, I had to lie on one side for 15 minutes then switch sides for 15 more. Then I was instructed to take it very easy for the rest of that night; no opening doors, no lifting, no carrying, no pulling, only rest and a light meal. The following 3 days were the most crucial. I had my son-from-another-mother stay with me in case I needed something done that was strenuous. The doctor said that I could resume normal activities other than exercise and of course anything that was vigorous. It’s been 4 days since they implanted the embryos in my womb, and I’m pretty much living normally. I still have pains and bloat and am healing from the surgery, but other than that I’m trying to just be normal.  This is going to be a long week.

       Along with all the procedures and complications, I started a new shot. It SUUUUCKS!!!! It’s a booty shot, and it’s worse than all the others combine! Yes, even worse than tasting band aids.  The hormone is mixed with oil so it’s very thick. It takes several tries to get it all sucked up into the syringe and takes just as long to be released into the muscle. After the shot, I have to sit on a hot pad to thin the oil and help the med absorb. The sight of the injection has to be massaged and rubbed as much as possible otherwise the med will knot up and create a large lump in my butt. Even with the hot ad and all the rubbing, my butt still HUUUURTS. Not like bumping my elbow hurts, more like wakes-me-up-every-night kind of hurts. It’s constant and unrelenting! Every time I sit, every time I walk or stand, no matter what it just sucks! Then yesterday I applied a hormone patch to my lower abdomen. Easy-peasy, as long as it stays on.

       So now what? Now I wait. I try not to ask myself questions like; Did it work? Was all of this for nothing? Was all of this worth it and will I get the most amazing gift? I don't know. Next Saturday at 8 am I go into the doctor for a blood drawn pregnancy test. I continue with the shots, the patch, and the prayers, and I wait.

       To be continued . . .

Omlet anyone?

IVF: Week 3

Hey! There’s still a person in here!

      With all the shots, the judicious schedule, the trips across town to the doctor every day for the blood draws and the oh-so-fun ultrasounds, the bruises on my arms, gut, and butt, I’ve begun to feel like some sort of egg producing robot!

      Every time I move I’m reminded of my love hate relationship with this process. I love the opportunity to go through this, but I look and feel like I got into a very odd fight. The creases in my arms are bruised from all the blood draws, my gut burns and looks like a pin cushion, my ovaries are so full I could make an omelet, and my small-green-clover tattoo on my rumpus, is now speckled with purple and yellow bruises. But, there is a silver lining. . .

      There are two types of Invetro; long cycle and short cycle. I was scheduled to do the long cycle IVF. This just means I would take more meds and for a longer period of time. God has again shown me favor! My body has responded so well to the hormones that my eggs are ready to be harvested much earlier than originally anticipated. This means I get to stop all the shots, stop all the blood draws, stop all the ultrasounds, and get this party started! Well, sort of. . .

      I really just get to take a break from needles and ultrasounds, but even when I start back up it will only be 1 daily shot and some blood and ultrasounds. Today is my first day without any shots. My butt feels like it has a golf ball stuck in it from the HUGE shot I had to do last night, but at least I get a break.

      In case you’re unfamiliar with how the female reproductive system works, the ovaries typically trade off, producing one egg per cycle. I currently have 14 full sized eggs and a handful of smaller ones. Needless to say, I’m a bit uncomfortable. My ovaries feel like they are going to BURST from all the eggs, my abdomen is swollen and tender, and sitting upright is splendid. My ovaries have never worked this hard in my life!  

      I still haven’t had any major hormonal outbursts, and I actually feel pretty good considering all the crap my body and soul have been through. I did have a “loud discussion” with my husband yesterday, but I truthfully didn’t feel a surge of emotions like I had before. He was being an ass and I decided it was my place to tell him . . . hmm . . . maybe there were some hormones involved in that discussion, but I think it was mostly me.  Knowing myself like I do, I’m quite surprised that I didn’t become an emotional wreck. It’s funny when we realize how strong we really are in times of hardship. The Lord has truly blessed me with His strength and presence. My family is not the easiest to live with and I am not the most laid back person. Yet, God has given me perspective and patience. Of course there were times when my patience was tested and I failed, but no one was injured, damned to hell, and my back yard is body free, so I count this a success!

      But now is the final test; tomorrow my eggs will be harvested and next Thursday the fertilized embryos will be implanted into my uterus. The egg harvesting is supposedly very painful. They have to sedate me, which is a problem because I have a terrible reaction to narcotics. So, that will be a challenge. The embryo transfer is less painful, but very delicate. The first 3 days are crucial. This will be the hardest part for my family. This is when they will have to step up to the plate. No stress for Mommy, no attitude, no arguments . . . just calm and love. I know they can do it.

     
      I will savor today; the one day in the past 3 weeks with no needles, no doctors, and no one shouting into my girly parts “Hello . . . is anyone home?”

      I will savor today because tomorrow is the beginning of the end.

 

 

Shots, shots, shots, shot-shots!

IVF: Week 2

 

        Shots, shots, shots, shots, shot-shots! Not exactly what the group LMFAO had in mind when they made their song entitled “Shots”, but it seems fitting. I’ve graduated to 4 shots per day plus a daily blood draw. That’s a minimum of 5 needles in me per day, plus going to the doctor’s office every day. In a few days the routine doctor appointments will also include an ultrasound . . . not the easy on the tummy ultrasound . . . we’re talking looking from the inside, super-fun, ultrasound!

        This week really started off with a bang! One of the hormones is giving me the most vivid and crazy dreams. I’m also sweating but freezing cold at night. I wake up a dozen times per night because of the sweat and the cold, then I’m distracted by the crazy dream I was having. It seems like anything that was on my mind or in my face that day ends up in my dream. I never reach a full deep sleep because the dreams seem to keep my mind half awake. Example: I saw the trailer for the new Brad Pitt film a few times before bed, so naturally he was in my dream and wearing a Kilt. I don’t know why. So, I’m tired, very tired, but it’s ok.

         I have definitely felt the emotional side of the hormones a few times this week, but not too bad. The worst of it was when I saw a bald eagle dive bomb the freeway. I narrowly missed it, but the car behind me couldn’t avoid it and ran it over. On a normal, non-hormonal day, that would have made me tear up. But on that day, it was too much. My heart ached for this beautiful creature that I was powerless to save. I wanted to run out in the street and rescue him like he was MY bald eagle, my dog, my child. Naturally I called 911, they gave me the run around, I gave some very rude man a little tiny taste of the hormones, then I called my husband and cried. This was only the beginning to a super-fantastic day!

        I was on my way to get and ultrasound . . . the inside out kind . . . when the eagle incident happened. When I got there, SURPRISE, I had to have a few more thigns done than just the ultrasound. Yay! I was poked, prodded, had my uterus measured for tilt and depth . . . from the inside! Fun! Then, I got to go to the pharmacy and buy 42 more needles (in addition to the almost 50 I already have). The next day I got to start 2 new hormones (3 additional shots on top of the 1 I was giving myself). The first, of these 2 super fun hormones, I take twice per day, and it makes the back of my throat taste like BAND-AIDS. Sweet! The second new hormone is quite a fussy little guy. I have to actually break glass, use 2 different needle heads, mix things, and lastly it has to be injected into my rumpus by someone other than me. It’s my favorite!

        Yes, all the shots hurt a little, yes, the butt shot hurts more, yes, I bleed, and yes, I bruise. BUT, it’s totally worth it! It’s not that bad, it’s just an adjustment. Isn’t having a baby always an adjustment? Absolutely! I’m just adjusting early.

        Enough about needles and all that junk, let’s get into the funny stuff; the crazy! I’m actually doing very well, if I do say so myself. . . and my friends reassure me that I’m doing great because I haven’t injured anyone. I did, however, let the crazy out just a little on my 13 year old son this week. I was very, very tired, and we had just gone to Costco. Whatever energy I had left I used up at Costco. By the time we got home, I was exhausted. While we were unloading the groceries, my son accidentally spilled uncooked rice everywhere. I told him it was no big deal and to sweep it up. Thirty minutes later, I was still nagging at him about the rice. Finally he started sweeping it up but he wasn’t paying attention, he was goofing around, and he was missing a bunch of it. When I told him to do a better job, he got a 13-year-old attitude with me. I mustered all the patience I could grasp and didn’t freak out, I simply spoke to him calmly about it . . . until . . . he continued with the “Uh! I have to get EVERY SINGLE piece of rice?!” Well, then Mommy reminded him that this may not be the best time throw around attitude. I felt my face ignite with fire. I could have touched my hand to car battery and given someone a jump start. I looked him in the eye and said “Son, if you want to have attitude, then let’s have attitude. I have and excuse for my attitude and I don’t use it. You spilled some rice and have to clean it up and YOU’RE having the bad attitude?! What’s your excuse?! Don’t play the bad attitude game with me right now, because you won’t win!” And that was the end of it. He understood where I was coming from and why, and we moved merrily about our day.

       Moral of the story; Mommy is only so strong, so don’t pull that crap while Mommy is on the hormones . . . Love You!

       Then there are the shots in the butt . . . always a good time. The first day the nurse demonstrated by injecting me with saline. Once we were home, my husband had to give me my first real shot of meds in the booty. He did a great job. Sure, it hurt and it bled, but it wasn’t as bad as I expected. Now the second day was a different story. My husband works a demanding and dangerous job and is often called to work at a moment’s notice. Thirty minutes before he was supposed to give me my shot, he was running out the door for work. But, since our God is and omniscient God, He provided a dear friend, that was already visiting, to administer my shot. The thing to know about this friend is that she is a strong, confident, capable woman, so I had no fear of her handling it. We got everything ready; we mixed the solution, we swabbed the spot on my behind, she grabbed the muscle, plunged the medicine into me and then . . . POP! When she pulled out the needle it made a loud popping sound as if it were suctioned under my flesh. I started bleeding quite a bit and she felt terrible. It didn’t hurt anymore that the other shot; it just made a very loud sound. After the bleeding stopped and the band aid was on, I realized how lucky I was to have her here in that moment. Popping butt or not, God provided for me. And now, we have something to laugh about down the road. “One time Aunty Charity made Mommy’s booty pop . . . and not on the dance floor.”

Laughter IS the best medicine!

       To quote my friend, “This baby better be cute.”

Time for more shots, shots, shots . . .

Here we go. . .

IVF:  Week 1

 

          Saturday May 11, was my first hormone shot. Luckily, a friend of mine that is well versed in giving shots assisted me. The doctor had told me how to measure the ampules, and how to give myself the shot, but it was all very clinical. By Saturday, clinical wasn’t gonna cut it. This was real! I needed real advice, real application . . . real comfort. My girlfriend said all the right things; “You’re going to bruise yourself sometimes, you’re going to bleed sometimes, you’re going to lose your grip on the needle and you may flop it around under your skin a time or two,  but it’s OK!” She showed me how to give myself the shot without anxiety or worry of screwing it up. The first few days were fine. I had a few minor side effects of the med; cramping, bloating, and some digestive discomfort, but other than that, it was a synch. Until Wednesday. . .Wednesday was the first day I made myself bleed and gave myself a bruise. . .but I wasn’t worried. I knew it was ok because my friend, a woman I trust, assured me it would be ok. Then Thursday came and I felt weighed down. An exhaustion that wasn’t normal. I felt like crying. I have several things on my plate right now including a very difficult and rebellious child, a teenage girl that I love has run away into a world of drugs and prostitution, and my back is in so much pain that I can’t exercise and I’m a little freaked out about getting fat on the hormones then during pregnancy . . . so, some of those are legitimate things to cry about, others may be the hormones. But again, God provided me with comfort. He gave me an evening with two of my children-from-another-womb. My dear friends Charity’s children are like my own but I don’t get to see them often. They provided me with all the love and comfort I could have asked for . . . but I didn’t have to ask.

          I don’t believe the saying that God never gives you more than you can handle because God isn’t the only one “giving” us stuff in life. The devil is hard at work, and I believe that he is the one who has given me this hardship. But I do believe that there is nothing that God can’t use for His glory! The devil gave me this disease preventing me from conceiving on my own and God will take this pain and suffering and turn it into something remarkable! The Lord has already provided for me every step of the way . . . the right doctor, the money (it’s a large amount of money guys!), the support, and the strength. Having the direction and comfort of my friend during my first shot and then the love and company of these beautiful children was so much more than just that; it was God showing me that He will provide for me every step of this journey, that He will never leave my side, that He will comfort me in times of need, and that he will douse the flames of any anxiety with His cool soothing waters.

          This is by far one of the scariest journey’s I have embarked on. . .the shots, the procedures, the mood swings, the pain, the money, the money, the money, and what if it doesn’t work??? None of that is in my hands. It all rests in the mighty hands of my God and I rejoice for that!!

          Here we go . . . the journey begins. . .